Technology and Surgery update

Oh, where to begin? 

We got my dad a new phone—a Pixel 9—which is more up-to-date than our 7s. His old phone wouldn't hold a charge, and he was frustrated using it. 

He has been saying with his old phone and now the new one, "God, I hate this phone!" every time he uses it.

We giggle every time he says it now. It could be that he does not remember his PIN to get on the phone, looks at the endless number of notifications he gets—which we will fix today—or does not remember how to answer the phone. 

He is obsessed with answering every phone call he gets and or calling them back, even if it is an unknown number. 

I'm torn between helping him do things on the phone or just doing everything for him. I know he is basically a three-year-old memory-wise. That means that he is losing the ability to remember how to do things as he has, as my therapist says, "little pacmen eating up his neurons and connections". I like the visual. My therapist also said that it sounds like we are at the stage where lying is necessary to keep him calm. Not something I'm too keen on, but it is what it is. 

I say all this because he is hyper-focused on getting his taxes done. He has asked me almost every day if I could do them. I told him I didn't know what to do about his antiques business and thought it would be better if he got someone else to do it. Today, he decided that H&R Block was the way to go. Could I tell him where one is and their phone number so he can make an appointment? 

I showed him that he could look it up on his phone by selecting Chrome and then searching for 'H&R Block near me". We found one down the street. He made his appointment for tomorrow afternoon. Let's hope he knows where all of his receipts are. Should I continue to speak to him as an adult and show him how to do things, or should I do it? Part of me thinks that just doing it makes him even more dependent upon me than he already is, and it's a lot. The other part thinks that keeping him engaged is better for his brain despite knowing he'll forget anyway. What would you do? 

As far as his surgery for his bladder cancer/tumors, it has been rescheduled. I really like his new cardiologist. This guy is on it! He received my message about signing off on the surgery and then stated his concerns about it being outpatient and not in a hospital setting because his heart valve does need to be replaced. 

The concern is the anesthesia and heaven forbid he has a coronary issue while under. So he contacted the urologist, and we have already rescheduled his surgery for April 11th at the Hospital in Annapolis with a cardiac wing. The doctor there will be in touch with me to coordinate tests being done so they can map out how the replacement would be done in the case of an emergency or when my father elects to have the valve surgery. He currently doesn't have any symptoms, so there hasn't been a rush to do it. I am also going to push that he spends the night after the surgery because last time, I had to take him to the emergency room 2x, and he wasn't listening to me about drinking water. I don't mind spending the night there because I'd rather not have to drive back and forth from Annapolis Incase he has issues. 

Today is beautiful, and he keeps waiting for me to walk with him, but I really want a break. It's constant questions and no boundaries when he sees I'm working on something. My husband is home sick and can see how ridiculous things are getting. I want to hide his financial stuff and calendar from him. Then maybe he'd be less stressed and obsessive over things we have spoken about a hundred billion times. The issue is he doesn't want to be without them and doesn't think he's as bad as he is. I may need to snatch everything up and hide it. It's like he is looking for work to give himself. 

Dude, you're retired. Go watch TV or any of the DVDs in the 7 boxes you made us bring up here, read a book, go for walks, or find something relaxing to do. Your boredom and obsessions are not MY emergency—as much as he'd like them to be. I'm at least learning how to be so firm with boundaries that he may start disliking me since my husband, and I are the only ones who really reinforce boundaries with him, which he hates. 

Even growing up, he never respected my boundaries as a kid or an adult. He'd always show up at my job unannounced and expect me to have time to chit-chat for an hour. It was so frequent that when he came to my job to tell me my sister had died, I was just expecting the same old behavior. So, when I moved to Japan, he called at all hours almost every day and got angry when I had to hang up because my babies needed me. So, I gave him a day and time during their naps so that I could give him my undivided attention. It worked. I didn't answer the Vonage phone unless it was the right day and time. Sometimes, I'd call him, and he'd forgotten, so we rescheduled. When we got back to the States, it started all over again. 

Oh and he is getting belligerent a lot more. He grabbed a beer at 11 am. I'm listening to him talking to a customer service person and he's just angry. I also don't want to take him out to eat anymore because he is complaining about how expensive things are. He works himself up over the tip too. I'm venting because I need to, but seriously, if you've been through this, what did you do at this stage? Also, we went to the Unitarian Universalist Church Sunday and he said it was a boring service. I actually enjoyed it and found it engaging. I'm thinking he can't handle one full hour of anything as he loses track of what is being said and context. I found this infographic and I think he's in the moderately severe impairment part now. I'm obviously his care taker but I wish I had more experience working with adults when I volunteered at a nursing home in my teens. Maybe because he's my dad it's harder to disconnect and see him as "Dad with Alzheimer's" not the man I knew growing up.