I'm sad and overwhelmed

I was going to share our trip to the Eastern Shore next and include photos because it's chronologically accurate, but I can't today. I just need to get some things off my heart concerning my father's Alzheimer's.

I'm sad. 

I'm sad for him. 

I'm sad for myself. 

I'm sad for his friends.

I'm sad for my kids. 

The past few days he has been really bad for him memory wise. He often thinks he is in Florida. He can't read his handwriting. He wants to be on top of his finances, but can't remember what we covered after 10 minutes. He is getting really anxious, and it presents as "allergies". Yesterday I gave him Sudafed, and then he asked for more allergy medicine, so I gave him a nose spray, and he wanted something else, 20 minutes later, so I gave him his prescription Valium. I encouraged him to wait at least 30 minutes since he just took another "allergy" medicine because he was extremely impatient. 30 min later, he could breathe, and he was calmer. Definitely anxiety. 

Today he flipped his shit about leaving a decent tip for lunch. I was embarrassed, and I will probably just figure out how to pay for his eating out because he gets belligerent about prices. Yes, Dad, when you order lunch and alcoholic beverages, it can be $50+ for lunch. He said he remembers when that would provide three lunches for both of us - well we are not in that time - we live in 2025 where everything is fucking ridiculously expensive and pay doesn't even match inflation and the crazy shit going on with our country.  I don't know what to tell him. He really is lost in time, and it hurts seeing him behave in a way I never saw when he was free of Alzheimer's. For example, two weeks ago, when I told him how little servers get paid, he would acquiesce and tip 20%; today, he said it was the restaurant's responsibility and tipped 10%. I was mortified. 

I also don't think he is really showering or bathing anymore. Every time he goes to shower, it's super fast & like faster than Rich and his Navy showers on the ships. I think he's just running water, thinks he showered, wipes down the essential bits, and then goes downstairs to change clothes. His room is starting to smell more like urine, but I'm not sure if it's him not being clean, having accidents, or using the urine holder he got from the hospital so he doesn't have to go upstairs at night. 

Financially, he is killing us. We have taken over his phone, cable, and other expenses. He can't even afford to help out with the increase in groceries, power, and water he has created since being here, but believes he can afford to spend 100+ on magazines weekly. I have stopped that as his spending and debt are beyond what he receives in income. 

The grant I applied for regarding respite care for myself was denied. He keeps talking about going to Florida for a week. I remind him that it will be towards the end of June, after his treatments, because that's what C is comfortable with. He balks at the length of time, but it is what it is.

I seriously don't know where to go from here. If he won't bathe and won't admit to it, I'll have to figure out assisted living which we can't afford right now. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. If anyone has any insight or input, I'm open to it.