Releasing, not resisting

 I am thankful that my father can live with us. It's been an adjustment for everyone and will be again when we return from Florida. I am concerned about how things will go while we are back in his home getting it ready to rent. Will he sleep in his recliner like before? Will he find more calendars and paperwork that will confuse him? Probably. Can I get his help going through items and the mega-tons of paper in the house? I'm not sure. When we were down in November, I would give a stack of documents to go through, and we could get an hour of work done before he said he was tired. 

The task ahead of me is monumental. I have asked for help from Dad's local friends. Some have already agreed to take him out for an hour or two so I can go through things independently and get a break. Caregiving for Alzheimer's/Dementia/Any cognitive impairment is hard work. On the bad days, it's mentally and emotionally exhausting. Today has been challenging because of the constant interruptions from Dad when I'm filling out paperwork for him (in front of him), emailing for him, setting up auto-pay for him, or calling doctors locally to get him set up as a new patient. I spent all day yesterday working on the doctor referrals and following up with his previous doctors to have records transferred. I'm proud of all the hard work I have put in. I get a little upset when he asks me if I want to do anything for myself this week because I know he means going out, but I only want to read, maybe uninterrupted for a few hours. We may go to Karaoke tonight, but I'm not sure. I'm already exhausted, and I don't know if I want to handle seeing my father in a restaurant that will be very loud (not that he isn't hard of hearing anyway, so he may not mind). 

I told my counselor yesterday that I'm working on noticing when my body gets tight or rigid throughout the day. It indicates to me that I'm feeling stressed. I have been tight most of the morning. So, while he is watching TV and I'm waiting for an online class from the county that should provide me with more resources for him to start, I'm working on releasing the tension from my muscles, focusing my breathing, and releasing and not resisting. I have been working on not resisting any challenges arising while we are in FL. I know that it will only make things more difficult if I do. I remember Eckhart Tolle's teachings of just being in the moment and accepting situations as they are. Notice my thoughts and let them pass. I'll re-download his books to listen to throughout the day. They were invaluable to me during a previously difficult and stressful time in my life a few years ago. 

I keep debating on bringing my bathing suit. I hate being so pale in the winter. I'll bring it in hopes I can sit at the pool and read one afternoon after we work on the house. I optimistically scheduled my father's new patient appointment with urology two weeks after we had left as an incentive to stay focused and on task. I keep telling myself that the stars will align, and I'll be able to get the storage unit, Uhaul if needed, and movers during this short period of time. In the worst case, I reschedule his appointment and apologize to my family that I'm not home yet. We cannot leave without everything being taken care of. I've also been planning for important dates I might miss in person. I probably won't be home for Valentine's Day, so I already have a gift coming, and I sent my Japan BFF her birthday present early! I'm proud of myself for that. My husband and Becky have been there for me no matter what, and I don't want them to think that I let them fall through the cracks of my caregiving while I' 'm gone. I know they would be understanding but I would feel badly. 

I haven't been sleeping well lately, which makes things challenging. I may be having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Still, it could be because I need to start planning what to pack, and in my subconscious, I am worried about how things will go. I have been reminding Dad that when we arrive and get the rental, we will grab some lunch/early dinner, then go to the house, where I will start washing bedding so we can sleep that night. He is anxious about visiting his bank, but I told him we would do that the next day. I plan to see some friends, but I am nervous about the weight I have put on since November. I think back to when I was this weight before and how when I got divorced, the weight just melted off, and I was eating horribly! I had fast food like every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner! It was wild. Then again, I was in my early 20s, so that's a factor. I think the stress is not helping me lose weight since I have been eating better, drinking tons of water, doing my best to be active, and cutting back on alcohol. 

I think the key to getting through this time away will be keeping some structure through regular waking and sleeping hours and medicine taking. I also need to figure out the coffee situation because it's terrible. My dad makes coffee like it's supposed to have texture. It was so bad last time that I was okay paying $15 to have coffee delivered to me. I was that desperate. I know we could always go out for breakfast, but I don't want to spend more money than we have to since the movers and other things we need to take care of will hurt his finances for the next month. It will be better in a few months, and we can ask him for more financial support in the house, such as electricity, water, food, etc. For now, we are taking the brunt of it, and I'm thankful we've been able to handle it. The kids don't care for the restrictions, but everyone must learn how to live lean. 

That's all for now. Hopefully, the rest of the day will improve, and I will be quicker to notice that it's time to relieve tension and stay in the moment.