It's been 12 days...

 It's been twelve days since my last update. During that time, a lot took place. Here's the breakdown:

Saturday, Feb 15th: It was a self-care day. I woke up and took myself to breakfast at First Watch. Then, I went to the pool with my nephew to rest, read, and get some sun. We had a lot of fun talking about a bunch of things. I enjoy spending time with him and hope to get more time with him this summer. 

I surprised my husband with flowers and candy. He's been a blessing through this process, and I have been gone way longer than anticipated. 

Well, I got so much sun that I got sunburnt, so I woke up to lots of sunburn annoyance, but my mother brought me some lotion and aloe to put on my skin.

Sunday, Feb 16th: This is the day I got to sort through more of my childhood toys and items hidden in my sister's old closet. I shared a few pictures with my husband and spent most of the day pricing items for him to put in his case at Gannon's, the antique store, to sell. 

Monday, Feb 17th: I posted more nostalgic things I found from my childhood online. Things like High School small footballs, Regal Cinemas Preview magazines, a fanny pack that my sister Meredith put my name on in calligraphy when she worked at a cool personalization store at the Mall, and a bunch of McDonald's and Burger King Happy Meal toys, oh, and my Tamagotchi, lol. When Dad and I finished pricing more items and then taking them to Gannon's, we rested for the rest of the day. 

Tuesday, February 18th: The Worst Day Ever. My husband stayed home from work because he was worried about our golden retriever, Henry. Henry, at 12 years old, started to have problems walking up and down the stairs, and then, out of nowhere, he started not eating or drinking, so Rich decided to take him to the emergency vet after the kids were at school. Ellie stayed with Rich because she has never known life without Henry. At the vet, they said he was dying of cancer, and it would be best to put him down. So I got to say goodbye through video, and then Rich and Ellie were with him when he passed. Later in the day, he went to the basement to check on our oldest fur baby, Ami. Ami, at 16 years of age, was gentle and sweet as she always has been. She kept my dad company in the basement and loved to be petted by all of us when we would go down to see her. Rich had bathed her earlier in the week, and she was fine, except this time, when he went to pick her up, he saw a large gash in her neck. So he went to our regular vet, who then sent him to a different emergency vet than the one he had taken Henry to. They said her kidneys were failing and that she must have burst a cyst or tumor and would need to have the wound open to heal for a long time. Rich and I, already a mess over Henry, decided the most loving thing would be to euthanize her. It would have been selfish of me to keep her alive until I got home (the vet said Ami would be at their facility for at least three weeks). That wouldn't be fair to her. She was so unhappy at the vet, and we knew the fairest thing would be for her to see Henry and play with him in heaven. It was so gut-wrenching telling her goodbye. I can't even type this out without tears flowing down my face. She was my first baby. We rescued her in Japan when we thought it would take me a long time to get pregnant. Well, she was the lucky charm because I had Michael less than a year later, and she loved him. She would watch over him and get me if he cried; they were best buddies. As you can imagine, our kids were distraught. Rich picked up Micahel and Vincent early after he left from Henry's passing. It was late in the evening, and the kids and I, over a video call, told Ami how much we loved (still do) her. 

I spent the rest of the day sharing photos of Henry as a puppy and whichever photos I could find of him on my phone. Then I started Ami's album. I still can't wrap my mind and heart around that they won't be there to greet me when I get home. 

Wednesday, Feb 19th: My husband is a champion. After not sleeping well the next day, he got up and went to work. The kids stayed home, mourning the loss of the pets. Rich and I talked about Buddy, our Great Pyrenees, who is now without his fur brother and sister. We are making sure he gets extra love and attention and more walks. Buddy is only 7 years old. His breed can live up to the age of 12. We are looking for a new vet, so if you know of any, please share them with us. My Dad did not handle the night before with me crying and the kids crying on video very well. So I am not surprised that this morning he was not himself. He was agitated and acting weird. He asked me if he had someone to stay in his condo with him because, now, he didn't want to leave. So we had - what's a better word for several - conversations about how he could not live alone, how he did not want a stranger staying with him in his home, how much we enjoyed having him live with us, and how much better he was healthwise and cognitively residing with us. I would start crying thinking about the pets, and he would ask me what was wrong, and I would have to remind him that Henry and Ami both died yesterday. He was sympathetic, but it will be a bit before he remembers they are gone. It was hard to also not be a little angry with my Dad because he was the reason I wasn't back home and going through this grief with my family. My dad kept disappearing into the garden, and it was becoming an issue. I started steering him to get things done in the house other than price things because that wasn't important; we needed to let go of things and pack, and when we did several hours of that, he could go garden to his heart's content.  I also had to remember that I was dealing with Alzheimer's Dad, not the Father I knew growing up. Wednesday night my father came into my bedroom at 2 a.m. and then left at 4 a.m. Did the rain make him feel he must lie in bed since he usually knocks out in the leather chair while watching TV? Back home they were preparing for more ice or snow. 

Thursday, Feb 20th: I had key lime pie for breakfast. It was delicious. I called it my breakfast of mourning. I posted on social media that I dreamt of Henry last night. I was petting him and telling him what a good boy he has been and how sorry I wasn't there in person. He just wagged his tail gave me his Henry smile, and put his head on my lap. I hope I dream of Ami next, but I still can't wrap my heart around them being gone. My youngest messaged me about a birthday party he was invited to. So, I sent the information to Rich to RSVP.  Then, I started getting messages from my daughter about not going to school. I told my husband I would handle the situation since he was at work. After her prolonged delay in going to school, Rich and I decided she needed to be a '90s kid with limited access to her phone and P.C. during the day. It's been working out great. There are no more fights about school and more time spent with her watching TV with her father. We were so mad that we even considered military schools for a few hours. 

Friday, Feb 21st: This morning, my father bursts into my room, bellowing at me, wondering where his towel was. The dude was naked when I came out and handed him one I had in my bathroom. He also can't keep track of his pants, underwear, and socks, so it's a bit frustrating. Needless to say, I woke up with very little patience and feeling emotionally exhausted. 

My dad's friend took him to breakfast, and I met with G to finalize the lease and everything else dealing with renting my dad's condo. During our brunch, my dad called and let me know one of his friends showed up, and he was going to lunch with them. I came back, I got to meet his friend, and then I knew he was tired from all the socializing, so I just shredded some papers and had him go through some while he watched TV and relaxed. We ordered dinner, and I texted the kids and my husband. 

Saturday, Feb 22nd: Dad and I woke up and were busy going through things. Around 11 a.m., his friends came by to pick up some items that were theirs. We accomplished a lot, and then he rested to go to his friend's house for dinner and then to a show at Barbara B. Mann. I was supposed to have dinner with them, but I was indeed bone tired and just dropped him off, ate, and went to sleep early.  I really love and appreciate his friends. They have been so supportive and helpful during this time. He's very fortunate to have his friend group. Vincent had fun at the birthday party and sleepover.

Sunday, Feb 23rd: That morning, I saw my old social media post from the year prior where I was helping my dad go through his boxes to move back into his house. Dad and I did some more work, then had lunch with my sister. After lunch, we continued going through things and felt accomplished. I talked to Rich over video as we do nightly, and my dad started complaining he couldn't hear the TV and acting weird. So I got up and went upstairs, finished our call, and went to bed.

Monday, Feb 24: I woke up late this morning, surprised my father didn't wake me up.  He must have known I was angry with him, which is Rich's guess as to why he didn't wake me up. I was like, I just walked away, so I don't get it. Maybe my face said it all like it usually does, hahaha. Anyway, I felt gross, and Rich encouraged me to shower before heading downstairs, so I did. I'm glad I did because I walked down to him about not wanting to leave and live in Florida. It felt like November again when he was having a hard time adjusting to the idea of moving in with us.  I spent time encouraging my husband and letting him know how much I love and appreciate him. He was struggling with the loss of Henry and Ami and was also in a lot of pain. Chronic pain is awful, and I wish I could take it away from him. We shared funny videos with each other, and he listened to me vent about how much alcohol he was drinking. This was before we were supposed to have dinner with his friend. My sister was supposed to take him so I could rest, but something came up, and I took him. It was a pleasant evening, and I went straight to bed afterward. I enjoyed talking about Internal Family Systems with his friend and am considering asking Ellie's counselor if they are familiar with it and if it would help her more than CBT. If you've never heard of it, you should check it out. Richard Schwartz has two books I'd recommend and plan on rereading and reading for the first time: Greater Than the Sum of Our Parts and You Are the One You've Been Waiting For.

Tuesday, Feb 25th:  It's Mover's Day!! I was feeling like I wasn't getting enough done, but honestly, it was time to say fuck it. I would not stay any longer than I had already, going through his house when my family needed me, and I needed them. My favorite movers in the area are called Strong Movers. Jared is such a great guy. He helped me move my father's belongings to storage after Hurricane Ian, then back into the house last February, and in November, when we moved things to MD and now to MD and also to a storage unit. I was thrilled to see him and told him so. My dad was with us for a few hours until his friend came to get him and take him to Punta Gorda for the day and night. I didn't want my father to be upset about his stuff being moved around and packed up. The movers were done in 4 hours, and I got to take time to care for myself, which was awesome. I ordered myself sushi for lunch and then went to the pool for two hours. Then, I showered and asked my mom if she wanted to go to dinner.  So we went out to eat and had a great time. I went to bed, looking forward to seeing them again tomorrow.

Today is Wednesday, Feb 26th, and the movers are busting their butts. There is so much stuff to move around the house and into the appropriate places. Today, there were four of them, and one had been at all my moves, too. He joked with me this morning, asking if I was going to see them again next year. I told him, probably, because I liked them all so much. They are a great group of guys, and I have enjoyed joking around with them this morning while directing the chaos. I'll share more later as we are about to head out and load the storage unit and I need to get off the couch so they can put it in the donate truck.. Dad decided to spend another day and night in Punta Gorda so I'll have the hotel to myself! Pool time again, baby. Talk to ya'll later. 

Moriah