It's time to vent, accept it or don't I don't care.

 Last Sunday, we had lunch with my sister, her wife, and my nephew. I had been apprehensive about attending because of how she spoke to me through text in November of last year. All I had said was that I was disappointed I couldn't count on her for the simplest things when she knew I went to care for our father every month for a week. We have one income for 5 people, and I couldn't work because of how often I had to travel.  I had asked for several months if she and her wife or son could put up the curtains I had already purchased so that the neighbors wouldn't see me naked. Four months later, still no curtains. Then I asked if she could put eyes on the house and let me know what needed to be cleaned since my father was not staying at home but had run away to live with his close friend C., who is fantastic. She didn't because she didn't like the cat my father had at the time. So, all I said was that I was disappointed. I received a reply about how dare I speak to her that way, etc., and that she will be hands-off. If you want screenshots, I have them, but I don't think it's necessary as I have protected myself from that crazy bullshit. So out of nowhere, when I got down to see my father in November, I was not only told that she couldn't be bothered to go across the street to see him but that his safety net couldn't have him either (that I understood. She had her own stuff going on that was heavy and sad and I am still thankful that she welcomed my dad with open arms during the last hurricane when she didn't have to).  The original plan was when I came down in December, he would move in with us, giving us time to get the basement in good shape for him to live in.

My husband is a saint. When I called him in tears (bawling) about how my sister was speaking to me and how I had no other option than to bring him back with me, he went to work on making sure my dad had a decent space to live in. I had a bizzalinon moving pieces to coordinate, and it all worked out so that I could make sure he had his favorite furniture, etc., in my house so that his Alzheimer's wouldn't be so bad since he would recognize the furniture and things around him despite being in a differing state.  I had to upheave my family and home to ensure my father was taken care of, all because I realized I couldn't count on my sister. Her inability to be counted on goes as far back as two decades, so honestly, I shouldn't have lied to myself; I thought she had changed. She didn't. 

Wouldn't you believe that last Sunday, when we were at dinner, my sister said that if our current tenant didn't work out, she would be happy to rent my father's place from me.... No offer of having my father live with them so he could maintain his garden (his favorite place on earth) or to alleviate my struggles so I could get my MSW and be able to have a two-income household like she has with only one dependant when I have three. Nope. She just wants to live in his house, thinking I'd give her the same deal my mother has given her over the years. Reality check: fuck no, not ever will you rent his house. 

I was cordial and polite. Do I love my sister? Sure I do. But do I trust her? No. I can't when it comes to my father, and relying on her for basic shit I would do for her in a heartbeat with no questions if I lived fucking across a literal street from them. What I don't appreciate, in addition, is the fact that she and her wife spy on me. I got drunk (way worse than my 21st birthday), and her wife had a camera feed/video of when my mother asked her wife for help to get me home. My 21st birthday was the last time I was that sick from alcohol because I know my limit. I remembered enough that my sister-in-law was there, and I thanked her through text for taking care of me the next day, obviously not knowing that I had been recorded.

Never had a response. I won't speculate about what could it have been, I was drunk, I needed help, and I was exploited for fun. Then, when I'm speaking to my mother on her patio, the Ring Camera my sister installed is used to spy on our conversation. Funny enough, it's my mother telling me that my sister didn't know we were going through all the boxes in my dad's house because if she did, she would have come by after work to help. Really?! I brought over all the boxes that had her childhood things in it. They probably had some of mine that I wasn't sure if it belonged to me or not because I didn't want to be accused of keeping her from her shit. She knew what we were doing and chose to not help. She has her lists of wants for when my father dies, but my father is already angry that he's only seen her twice and really doesn't want her on any of his accounts because he can never get in touch with her. His biggest fear is that something would happen to me and that he would have no one to take care of him, to which I remind him that my husband would care for him for me and that we would not let him be destitute. We have been hurting financially since he moved in with us, and we don't tell him because his finances are not where they need to be for him to supplement his added costs in electricity, water, and food. When I stabilize his finances, I will ask him to contribute. He knows this, and during his lucid days, he always says he wants to pay me for all the work I have done to get him in a good place and to compensate me for the time I'm missing with my family because I am making sure he sees his friends at least every few months. He knows our sacrifices, and when he heard her say she would rent his house, it broke his heart because he knew it didn't include him there. 

I pray that this isn't how our relationship will be forever. As an adult, I have always been there for her, no questions asked. I wish she could see the stress my family has been under and how it affects my three children and spouse. I just won't hold my breath. I know I will be disappointed because other family members can't wrap their heads around the fact that we have to survive on one income and can't just travel whenever we want to wherever we want, even though we all desperately want to travel together. It's a need vs wants, and the needs win out every time. 

I just needed to get this off my chest. Today's post would have been

about the shit show I woke up to, and I'll save that for tomorrow. 

With love,

Moriah