Cumulative Grief

There are many kinds of grief. Below is an image that states the different kinds, however as research continues there seems to be more subsets being added:

You may have experienced some of these in your lifetime or known of others who have or are experiencing grief. Grief is not just related to the loss of a person. It can also happen when a person loses a job, switches careers, loses a pet, friendship ,a marriage, relationship, and more. 

I had a revelation speaking with my husband last night that I'm grieving many things. Not just the loss of our beloved Henry and Ami, but I'm dealing with Anticipatory grief knowing my Dad's Alzheimer's will only get worse and he will die eventually. I feel like I have also lost faith in some family relationships which hurts. The biggest shocker for me was when I spoke about having to wait to start a career again. 

I wanted to be a stay at home wife and mother. I spent the majority of my marriage taking care of everyone and everything. I made time for college and still worked hard to maintain stability and peace in the home. When my kids all entered school I was excited to have more time volunteering which led to substitute teaching and my desire to finish my Bachelor's of Psychology which I did in May of 2023. I also decided I wanted to get my MSW - Master of Social Work - because it was a faster way to enter the field I love and to help others. I want to work with children in the foster care system. 

As I was deciding between universities that provide MSW degrees, I get thrown into caregiving for my Dad. I thought I would be able to get him in home care (he vehemently refused and disownment was thrown around), then I thought if he lived with me I would have time during the day to focus on a class, do my assigned reading, discussion boards etc. Boy, was I wrong. The constant interruptions and attention seeking while I was working on his legal documents (Will updated to this state, making sure he was receiving his retirement income, and battling with his long-term care insurance) was so incredibly stressful and aggravating. 

I am still working on his legal stuff and he still has the same behavior. I feel resentful a little because I can't even spend time on My financial and legal documents. I know his bank account figures better than I know my own and that's not ok. I know that if I added the stress of going back to school that I would either have a mental/emotional breakdown, or end up in the hospital with uncontrollable high blood pressure which then would create a myriad of difficulties for my family and my father's sense of security. I know he is Linus and I'm his blanket (Peanuts). 

I'm the person who makes him feel safe and cared for. While I'm honored to be that person and I am thankful we can care for him at my home, unless my husband is around to deter his interruptions I am unable to accomplish much throughout the day.  This made me realize that I probably won't be able to start my MSW until he is in a home - that means I can't care for him anymore on my own but I know I'd be visiting every day. So there is Anticipatory grief mixed with the grief of not getting to start my career until I'm probably 50. 

I feel so disheartened when I think about walking into CPS as a 50+ year old woman who is basically starting her career surrounded by younger people who have more experience and it makes me cry, feel pain in my chest and just sadness that I haven't been able to actualize my dreams because I've been taking care of people my entire life. Then I feel defeatist and say, what's even the point? Why even bother at that age? It's not a change of careers. It's like if I joined the military today. I'll have 20 nothings giving me orders - um, my oldest is five years from 20... No, thank you. It feels hard to explain but I really do feel hopeless in this area of my life. I know people can start over at any age, but I was so excited about getting my time and the reciprocal support from my husband and kids, and now it's gone. I live Groundhog Day daily like I did when my kids were in diapers. I have no real-time of my own. 

This cumulative loss is overwhelming. The thing is I grieve for my pets differently than I do the idea of my career, the anticipation of grief I have concerning my father and I don't know how to grieve each of them in a healthy way. The only way to grieve is to go through it and most days I just don't have the time, or spoons, or bandwidth or whatever the fuck you want to call it, to feel all that I am feeling. So, yeah, if I'm distant, it's not personal. I am trying to figure out how to live in this complex, overwhelming, emotional new reality, and I distance myself to protect those I care about because the last thing I need is to say something stupid and lose a friend in the process, which will just add to the grief. Does that make sense? 

Anyway, I need to move on with my day. I hope y'all are well.